I have just struck an awful realization that it is possible that he is not happy for his life, because of me..
It’s not a typical topic that anyone could bring in a dinner table, but heck, i don’t even have one.
My dad finally bids his final goodbye to the dream job that he wished as a kid, return his lended laptop, ipad, licenses and all of that.
For once he thought, working at IBM will be a really amazing thing to achieve. It is. It will always still be.
Truth is after work, he rarely seems happy. He always took a bus for his ride home. We can’t afford a car and waiting for public transportation isn’t the best way to end your day. Worse is, the day hasn’t even come near to an end for him. He would still need to work for an extra penny.
I barely communicate with him for the reason that one brain could only do a task at one time. Sometimes i get disappointed when he shoves off a conversation that i invited about a cool thing that i do or made. But no one can blame him anyway since what he’s doing, he’s doing it for me.
Fights happen. Because that’s what families do. And when we do, it’s mostly because of me. One way or another. Finance, behavior, school reports, you name it. Maybe you’re suprised when I mention finance since you know.. IBM. Don’t get me wrong IBM pays their workers sufficiently I can say its actually above average. The problem arises when you have 3 children and each of them are only a year gap. Mother wants the best from us so she basically dictates where to allocate the money properly. There’s a two side for every sword.
We go to private school every each of us from fucking playgroups to the age of 16. To put the cherry on top, we were so fucking spoiled, we ask to buy this and that and we were so fucking stupid. For all we know school is a fucking joke, and i barely take it seriously. I cheat on every test possible to the point its a good average that I can pass (because you cant cheat on every test there is), damn I even held the last rank on school and i feel okay about it. My parents are ferocious about it but I was stubborn as a rock, hell I probably would rather talk to a rock.
In that period of time, my parents even brought me a private teacher, and on exams week i remember every single day i have a private teacher come to my house. It was hell of an Investment. (pun intended)
But it doesn’t last like that forever
Because if it does, I wouldn’t even be writing this right now. My dad is now at 50 years of age, and he just told me that it’s so fucking heavy to walk at the office that you’ve been through for the half of your lifetime. For the last time but not to work. To return the things that doesn’t belong to you anymore and bid goodbye. 30 years of labor and end it with a bus trip. Things hasn’t really change at all has it? He told me that he cries on his way in the bus but god knows how much. Is it really that this is the live that he wants? 50years of age and still doesn’t have a house. Forget about basic living necessities, dude only have 6 shirts, one pant, and he uses a rope to be his belt. He never asked for anything, he never asked why. He never complains when I failed as much as he knows that I’m trying my best. He has other things to think of, bugs on the software, sales, cloud computing, customer complains, etc.
The heart breaking part is the truth is i wasn’t trying my best. I lied. I cheat, and I barely gave value to the thing that he value the most. Your success. Your happiness. Your well being. They won’t ask for their return of their investment. They even want you to forget it as if it never really matters at all. And that’s what gives their life meaning.
I’m really sorry that I’m not the son he wanted to and not the son he deserved.
I’m really sorry that you have to give that look when my school tuition came
I’m sorry if that all wasn’t worth it for you.
I’m sorry for making your happiness at stake.
We as children, will never be able to repay the favor that they have given to us.
I love you dad.